Not much to say, again. Had nightmares and woke up rushed over by such a load of feelings I felt like drowning in them.
It started hurting again. I thought it had stopped but it didn’t. Same old shit then, I lie awake and keep pondering my life, all the things I miss so much and then there’s that damn song…
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blameBe my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe meOuch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafeBe my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe meBe my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
It’s like being caught in myself again, tangled up in all these thoughts and that sharp, stinging pain coming from nowhere, all of a sudden.
I’m not homesick. If it was that I could deal with it. It’s way worse, it’s the beginning of that vicious circle I’ve been through all the way round and round and now it’s building up inside again.
So for tomorrow it’ll be escaping in my iPod-bus-park world again, muting my surroundings and waiting for everything to heal. Hopefully.
- TIM - sagte,
Mai 7, 2008 @ 11:13 Uhr nachmittags
Once, before so many years, i felt something one might compare to this. Not the same thing, but it never is. It’s a personal nemesis, different as the person that suffer from it are. Also, as you know, i am not that easily wounded as you are and neither i am that sensibel as you are (not to be misinterpreted as “unsensibel”, just in another way and my psyche uses to shut down before it can take harm or overloads - leaving me without emotions for a few hours to days, depending). But i saw that chasm also; stood at it’s edge several times. But some day i realised that it was a part of me and that it’s my choice how far i let my dark side take control over me. You are not defensless against those pain - it’s just a question of the point of view. In the past i accepted what became my “dark side”. That doesn’t mean it’s gone, but as i allowed it to stay, to become a part of me, it also does it’s part to hold the balance i know life with. There will be times in life everybodies dark or light side temporarily dominate the other. That’s nothing special so far. Then there a few people which both sides are very independent and clearly divided from each other. At least, that doesn’t change much about it. You will depend to more noteable ups and downs, but that’s it. There are also positive things to say about it, if you have managed to find your balance at least. The inner balance is the start and the end. And, as with most extremes, you will have to find the right personal balance between them. Once found, you just have to keep it. That sounds far more complicated as it is - you will learn within this progress to understand and manipulate the single pices of yourself to put them back together angain and keep them stay there. As with everything else, there is no guaranty for anything … but when you think about it for a moment, it’s better than now and better than nothing.
There ARE answers to your questions. You just have to ask the right ones at the right time. Also it is mostly impossibly than to guide you on the way for someone who already mastered it. But you will never learn from others experience - as the word say: it’s all about adepting those experience all by yourself. You have to experience the experience (a common sentence i use in German, what most apperently doesn’t work as well in English, as we can see).
Also i know that i am part of this somehow, i can tell you that without me it would be all the same. The other way round it may be helpfull for both of us to FINALLY solve some of the F*****G problems we are also both suffering from at the moment. There are choice to be made, not in a year or two, but more before some month ago.
Once, if we managed to trust each other on a functional and natural way, everything will be much easier. IF this is the way, everything will go. But, and correct me if i’m wrong, that wont worl as it is at the moment. You know that and i now that two.
Besides all of this, i still love you! <3 :-*
Excuse my English isn’t that good it used to be, but someone cannot be good in the same grade in everything at the same time. And you know it tend to spend my time on SEVERAL different things simultanausly!